Steer by your standards, not by the ring in your nose

Our resistance to moralists cause us to forget the fundamental question: Can we do better?

On April 30, 1997 Ellen DeGeneres had her character on her TV show come out as gay, outting herself in real life at the same time. “The Puppy Episode” (as the two-part episode was code named) won two Emmys, a Peabody award, and was listed in TV Guide’s “100 Greatest Episodes of All-Time.” The episode was the highest-rated episode of her TV series. I, however, didn’t get join 42 million of my fellow Americans in watching this seminal event because I lived in Alabama then.

If you are not good at taking hints, know that Alabama is a place where they refuse lotteries to fund public education, tax the food in poor people’s mouths, and restrict public discussion of controversial topics. The only atrocity I didn’t witness there was public book burnings, but I’ll admit I didn’t get out much.

It seems I’ve spent my entire life resisting the self-righteous moralists who want to run (ruin) my life. Whenever I look out my window, I see the Rent-a-Conscience van parked outside. You’ve seen the van, the sky-blue unit trimmed in gold with the glaring eyeball painted on the side and their slogan underneath: “You’re too stupid to run your own life. We’ll do it for you. We Know!”

Our lifelong resistance to moralists grows into a knee-jerk response. Whatever the Moral Police are pushing must be bad. We can make reasonable excuses for our darker habits whether they be porn, hoarding, or independent thought. With time we cultivate bad habits as a matter of principle, hanging on to those habits out of simple resistance to the freaks in the vans outside all our houses.

Problem

Here’s the problem. If we do the opposite of what others want, we’re still letting them run our lives. We’ve still ceded decision-making authority to someone else, though in an inverse way. Resisting others allows them to lead you around by the nose as surely as if you blindly obeyed.

Most of us live on autopilot. Chasing pleasure, avoiding pain, flipping off the self-righteous. We do this in the name of independence, unaware of how often we march to other’s orders. To resist evil mindlessly is as bad as mindlessly succumbing to its allure.

We are not rats in a maze chasing cheese and running from shocks. We are humans and should be masters of our own mazes, damn all the cheese and shocks in the world.

Solution

Your head is more than a hat rack. Humans have executive control; mice don’t. You must make your own decisions, uninfluenced by those giving orders.

Consider this. What if you did what you wanted? If you were truly free? Free to engage in “bad” habits, whatever they may be. No social repercussions. The Universe says, I don’t care. What would you do?

I’m not arguing for mindless hedonism, nor am I suggesting we abandon self-control. Just the opposite. I’m urging that we make our life decisions uninfluenced by Those Who Know Better.

If you could ignore everyone else, even if baser actions were okay by all external convention, is there a higher standard you could aspire to? Should aspire to? Not because of coercion but because of reasoned self-interest. Instead of knee-jerk reactions, ask yourself, “Is this what I want? Is this how I intend to live?” The key phrases are “I want” and “I intend.” It’s your life, you see.

Make each day your masterpiece. — John Wooden

You are responsible for the record of your time among the living. This is your job, not the freaks in vans parked outside your house. You are not some inanimate object, planted in place, unable to make choices. As Jim Rohn noted, you can take charge of your life—you are not a tree!

If you could aim higher with your life would you? You can, you see.

Aim higher. Not because you are wrong but because you can do better. What if you steered your life by your own standards rather than the ring in your nose?

Do you want to be just okay? Common? Or something better? Leave things better than you found them. Remember that old rule? The rule applies to life, as well. Make your life a work of art. After all, there’s more to life than cheese.

The mark of the immature man

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. – Wilhelm Stekel

Should I plan my life or take it as it comes? Yes.

Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one. – Marcus Aurelius

I’ve always believed in the adage to plan your work and work your plan. Life, in this view, is little more than facing in the right direction, squaring your shoulders, and marching forward to success. Initiative and morality will win the day.

There is (at least) one problem with this view. Plans never work, you see, at least not for me. At least not to the degree I expect. No matter how well I anticipate my needs, life throws curve balls at me, sometimes five or six at a time.

It seemed something was wrong with my worship of planning. I assumed the fault was with myself, a moral failing. Sloth, after all, is one of the seven deadly sins. An inability to lead a purposeful life must be a sign of the smallness of my soul.

It was obvious my life lacked the self-discipline necessary for success. So I studied self-discipline, convinced that once I developed enough moral backbone, enough gumption, I could put my life’s plans on track and move forward to triumph.

Saps on Elephants

The first thing I learned, however, was that discipline is not a moral attribute. It is physiological. All the gumption in the world will not help you when your blood sugar is low. Or if you are structuring the habits of your life incorrectly. In fact, self discipline is best when not used, when your life builds upon positive habits.

Now, after decades of study, I’m an expert on self discipline, or at least an enlightened amateur. But I am still not in control of my self. My plans are still for nothing. I embody Jonathan Haidt’s metaphor of the rider on the elephant:

“The image that I came up with for myself, as I marveled at my weakness, was that I was a rider on the back of an elephant. I’m holding the reins in my hands, and by pulling one way or the other I can tell the elephant to turn, to stop, or to go. I can direct things, but only when the elephant doesn’t have desires of his own. When the elephant really wants to do something, I’m no match for him.”

What’s a guy (or gal) to do?

Squirrels and Ships

Early in my life I did not obsess over planning. Blissful in my lack of control, I nevertheless had a strategy of sorts. I positioned myself as best I could for life, learning and gaining skills, building relationships, reflecting on what I wanted. Then I waited.

Sounds daft, doesn’t it? Just sit around with your feet up, waiting for your ship to dock and drop its gangway at your feet. I had faith, not the religious kind, but a secular belief that of all the future possibilities some would be beneficial.

My faith rewarded me more than once. I said I had “squirrelly luck” where doors opened at just the right time. But they weren’t always the right doors. Or the best doors.

I began to doubt an approach to life dependent upon squirrels and ships. I became a believer in an active approach to life and despised those who just drifted along. I built my life upon schedules and To Do lists. And became just another poor sap on an elephant.

What’s a gal (or guy) to do?

Stones and Mountains

Drifting along seems to work; it gets you somewhere though somewhere covers a lot of (often unpleasant) destinations. To get to your personal Margaritaville you have to row, often against the current while dodging the flotsam that life throws at you. Guiding your life takes much effort and puts the focus on the short term. How to get through this week, even this day? We focus on our feet. On a long journey the stones at our feet distract us and we lose sight of the mountain in the distance.

What to do? Build the tools you need even if it means taking your eyes off the horizon? Or wander, clueless and toolless, hoping to wind up somewhere?

I’ve previously questioned the purpose of planning, efficiency, etc. for their own sake. I’m not alone in this questioning. Many of us who have devoted substantial fractions of our lives designing ourselves wonder if we are in the wrong jungle.

“Tweaking your GTD system is easier than deciding what the hell you want to do with your life” – John Pavlus

Ryan Holiday put it bluntly in his book The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living:  “At some point, we must put our books aside and take action.”

“Get busy with life’s purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue—if you care for yourself at all—and do it while you can.” – Marcus Aurelius

What are guys and gals to do?

Square your shoulders, then develop discipline and whatever other tools you need to reach your goals. But don’t confuse tools with goals. Now that you’ve already failed in your New Year’s resolutions, make a new one. Resolve to develop an “action orientation” toward life, developing short-term skills and tools as needed, but never forgetting that life is a verb and time is short. The mountain is the goal, not the road.

No man is free

No man is free who is not master of himself… Is freedom anything else than the power of living as we choose? – Epictetus

All damned fools should write a letter

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. — Sydney J. Harris

The family sits about, trying to make small talk, ignoring the form in the bed. They almost forget themselves, laughing at some small joke, until one of them begins staring intently at the bed. Her breaths are so shallow and infrequent. When was the last? They all stare now, holding their breath, until her chest rises once again. The tension breaks and they gradually return to conversation.

When alone each will bend over the bed and whisper in her ear, mostly inanities, but also Important Things, things they had never gotten around to saying before. No one knows if she hears. And, of course, she is probably bursting with Important Things, as well, that will now go unsaid.

Life is short. Its end often catches us unawares, asleep at our post. We’re damned fools acting as if we are immortal. There are things that must be said, but we keep putting them off. Tomorrow will always be here.

Fool.

The best action is to say what needs to be said today, now, so you can face your end without unfinished business. Too hard? Then do the next best thing. Write a letter. The Stanford Friends and Family Letter Project makes it easy (or at least easier) to write your letter by providing templates for common situations. They guide you through the process of saying what needs to said. See VJ Periyakoil’s article for more.

“It may take tremendous courage to write a life review letter. For some people, it evokes deep and troubling emotions. Yet it may be the most important letter you will ever write.” – VJ Periyakoil

We’re damned fools. We all know that. For once, do something meaningful. Write a letter.

The trouble with many of us is that we just slide along in life

The trouble with many of us is that we just slide along in life. If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two-week vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days. – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

The best possible you

“Cat: Where are you going?
Alice: Which way should I go?
Cat: That depends on where you are going.
Alice: I don’t know.
Cat: Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

If you had the proverbial magic wand and could be the best possible you you could be, what would you be? You know, bonk yourself on the head, stand in a shower of stars and then emerge as a totally cool Dude or Dudette. What would you be?

Quick, flush all the stupid answers out of your head. Rich. Famous. Head of a zombie army.

Feel better? Now, let’s get serious. What would it mean to be the best you? You have been thinking about this, haven’t you? You are not just drifting through your life oblivious to where you should be going.

Surely not?

Oh, dear.

What does it mean to be the best possible you?

Well, better late than never. Let’s get started.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs puts self-actualization at the top of his pyramid. (Later versions expand this to include service to others.) Self-actualization is a fancy way of saying be the best version of yourself you can be: “becoming the best person that one can possibly strive for in the service of both the self and others” per Wikipedia.

Being the best version of yourself considers all your wrinkles and foibles. (Even your wrinkled foibles.) If you are short and stumpy, with asthma and an attractive lazy eye, you will not be the next NBA star. Surprised?

But you can develop a killer free throw, right? Nope. Not going to happen. If you are uncoordinated (and don’t forget that lazy eye thing) your free throw percentage will be low. But you can raise it. No, you will not be the next internet sensation sinking 500 straight, all net, but maybe you can get it up to 10%. Victory.

“Success is measured, not by heights obtained, but by obstacles overcome.”

Your job is to work with what you’ve got and to do the best you can with your slim pickings. Work with the Legos left over after your ugly sister stole all the cool bits to make a musical rotating tea table with spotlights for all her little dolls, stuffed animals, and your treacherous G.I. Joe who has a disturbing preference for glitter.

Note that self-actualization is about being the best version of yourself, not somebody else’s version. Being the best doctor you can be, per your parent’s expectations, is a waste if your lifelong dream is to shepherd llamas in the high passes of Colorado. (Though a career review might be in order.) Life is too freakin’ short to be dancing to someone else’s script. Know where you want to go.

The most important thing in life is to figure out what the most important thing is

So, what’s your script? What would the best possible you look like? Why don’t you know? (Yes, I know I’m assuming you haven’t done your homework. I’m playing the averages here. Prove me wrong.)

We cannot focus and apply ourselves if we do not know what is important to us. Don’t sit around waiting for inspiration to plop on your head like a guano delivery from heaven. This is as much about creating meaning in your life as finding meaning. (Check out Landau’s discussion of the logical fallacies of those who contend life is meaningless. Spoiler alert: our life has as much meaning as we put into it.)

We waste our lives on trivialities. What do I mean by trivialities? Almost anything on TV, for starters. Fashion. The latest anything. Everything that depends on what other people think. Anything that takes place inside the Beltway. The Dallas Cowboys. That comb-over you think no one notices. The whole zombie thing. Did I mention the Cowboys? The color of your carpet. The color of your skin.

Come on, folks. Get it together! Life’s too short…

But we’ve been there already, haven’t we? Do you want to get to the end of your days with nothing but an epitaph saying your home-brewed beer wasn’t all that bad?

You can do better, can be the best in fact. Be the best you possible, missing Legos and all. But it won’t happen on its own. They say life is what happens when you are not looking. An unpleasant thought, unless you like the kind of surprises you get from cut-rate vacation packages where Motel 6 features prominently.

You can do better. You owe it to yourself, but you must do the heavy lifting yourself. Face it, no one else will help. Especially not your ugly sister, now thirty-six with a bad track record built upon attraction to tattooed floor managers at Walmart. It’s all on your shoulders.

At end of the day, life is a verb, an activity. Life is something we do, not something roaring by to entertain us. Envision an end state and take action. Do not (or you should not) drift along on auto pilot. We want to steer a course along Elysian shores, not be flotsam snagged in a blighted marsh. If you don’t give thought to where you want to go, what you want to be, you could wind up in New Jersey without all your llamas.

One day…

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.

Why wait? Make every day New Year’s Day.

Review and plan your life every day

It’s that time of year again, when the celestial elements align and we take part in ancient pagan rituals. Time to get shit-faced drunk. Time to kiss and grope that guy/girl/uncertain other of your choice who wouldn’t give you the time of day if they weren’t plastered like you. Time to pretend everything is okay and you are happy with your life. If you can’t fool yourself, it’s time to make unrealistic resolutions to be someone else than who you’ve been your entire life. Time to nurse hangovers while watching football.

New Year’s Day is here!

We are well-schooled in our annual rituals of debauchery. Nonetheless, we are performing the year-end rituals wrong. Not the debauchery part. We’ve got debauchery down pat. I am speaking, rather, about all the introspection associated with a new year.

It’s all relative

The bleakness of an empty life is understandable as are bacchanalian efforts to avoid contemplation of that emptiness. The day we choose for this avoidant contemplation, however, is less understandable. What’s so special about January first?

Yes, I know. It’s day one on the calendar. Understood. But the calendar is arbitrary. With so many calendars in use, past and present, New Year’s celebrations occur throughout the year.

Also, who chooses on which day the calendar begins? Why would a calendar begin on January 1? Why not a more meaningful date such as the winter solstice, the spring equinox, or Harpo Marx’s birthday (November 23)? The actual start of the calendar is more a matter of bookkeeping issues rather than any physical or social significance.

Maybe we shouldn’t get hung up on calendars. A calendar measures Earth’s motion about the sun. Knowing the Earth returns to the same place yearly gives a feeling of completeness. All is in order. New Year’s thus celebrates the return to our proper place in the cosmos.

But, as Einstein would point out, there is no fixed reference point in the universe. Yes, the Earth returns to its place, but everything is in motion (the sun plows through space and orbits the Milky Way which is moving with other galaxies, etc.) Also the length of the year is a rounded number and the length of the day is not exactly 24 hours, so nothing is as clear as we think. Maybe the day itself is not significant, other than a general annual celebration of the passage of time, although even time is slippery.

It’s all about hope

So, what’s all the fuss about? The day itself is arbitrary, and there is no physical significance to our midnight countdown.

Ultimately, whenever or wherever the day occurs, New Year’s is about hope. Hope for a better life and for ourselves. Remember the Millennial New Year’s celebration in 2000? It gave me goosebumps to see an entire planet participating in a single celebration. That day gave me hope for the human race. And hope for myself.

Why wait for hope? Why wait 365 days to improve ourselves? Declare every day New Year’s Day. Go easy on the debauchery part but contemplate life daily.

Life is best lived under the spotlight of introspection and review. Take regular opportunities to review your life and adjust as needed. Remember, life is a verb and needs constant attention.

We don’t die by living too long. We die by losing hope. Each New Year’s day we can rekindle our hope.

Get to work. You only have 11 months to make your big Harpo’s birthday preparations.

Patriotism

Patriotism is when love of your own people comes first; nationalism, when hate for people other than your own comes first. – Charles de Gaulle